The Bad Rap of "Baby Mamas"

The Bad Rap of “Baby Mamas”

Lately, I’ve been coming across some interesting lists on why one needs to stay clear of baby mamas and I’ve been seeing A LOT of the worst examples of baby mamas on television as of late.

A little about me: I am a divorcee with an eight year old who doesn’t like being put into the box that comes with labels like “baby mama”.

Here’s my problem with the lists and bad baby mamas: you can’t make a sweeping generalization about a group based off of these examples. 

To address the first, these sweeping lists of what’s wrong with baby mamas are accurate in some cases but shallow and bigoted in nature. You cannot generalize to an entire population based off of a few bad examples. Yes, a statistician can do that for the purposes of research but people do not fit into a one-size-fits-all box. People are individuals that have many labels, not just one, so what applies to one person in that category, does not apply to another.

 I want to also note that the “men” that make these lists are NOT statisticians nor have they done the proper protocols to call it “research” or “expert” and “educated” sources of information. There needs to be a diverse and representative sample of the pool in which they choose to generalize about not just “Oh, I dated this single mom once and oh…what a (expletive deleted)”. Now, I know some would make the argument that it would then fall under Qualitative research and not Quantitative, which is true, but then you still would need to conduct unbiased (or as unbiased as possible) interviews and you would need to interview an example contrary to the examples they choose to use as their reason for this prejudice against baby mamas. 

Now I must address the second. I choose to do so with an open letter for a brief moment.

Dear Ladies and Fellow Single Mothers,

   For those of you who are doing what you are supposed to and making sure your child is taken care of and not using their child as a bargaining chip or a reason to get back at your ex, I salute you and I respect you as a fellow single mother of that category. Keep doing your best that you can do, despite working long hours and doing the job of both parents and doing so on little to no food and sleep.

   For the rest of you I have this to say: STOP acting a damn fool. You give ALL of us a bad rap when you act like a hood rat or crazy you know what about your children. Your child is not a pawn in your Ponzi scheme to game their daddy (or the system) for more money [“Maury, he gon pay that child support! Pay me (expletive deleted)”] or to trap him in a relationship with you. All you will end up with is a child missing out on time with their father (because he’s avoiding you) and a child who resents you for doing things in a manipulative way. That man who did not put a ring on your finger is to blame for smashing without protection but you too are to blame for telling him falsely that you were on birth control. All that stress you experience right now, take some responsibility for creating some of it yourself. I am not making excuses for him, he should step up anyway and take care of his regardless of your crazy behind. I say this from a place of love and I know people deal with stress in different ways but now it’s not about you and your residual feelings you have for that dude. NOW it’s about that child and your relationship with that child. I am not saying you have to like their dad but you DO have to try to make co-parenting work even if things didn’t turn out like you wanted or he was a cheating and still is a cheating bastard. You have to make it work even if you were his side piece (which is something you chose anyway).

Very Respectfully,

   Marie

I know that it may not be what folks want to hear and so be it. I take responsibility for my issues, and yes sometimes when frustrated I vent. Who wouldn’t vent when they are stressed but there is a fine line between bashing your ex (to your new man and your child) and venting to let off some steam. We ALL reach a breaking point.

I think what bothers me most about both the lists and these poor examples of motherhood out there is that as a result I get that kind of label and judgment too when I am NOT that kind of parent. I don’t go out of my way to be ugly, but I deal with someone who does. I don’t go tit for tat, just because he’s doing something ugly doesn’t mean I have to do the same. That would demean me as a person when I know I am better than that. I don’t like the shallow judgments that come with the lists. So someone like me, who works two jobs, goes to school full time for a masters degree and already has her bachelors (and no its not from Everest so don’t ask a dumb question like that), takes care of only one child yet still struggles is to be judged and treated the same as the single mom who doesn’t work, doesn’t go to school, and has more than one kid by more than one baby daddy?  I am not saying I am better than anyone, let me be VERY clear about that. I just feel like we should be treated as individuals not as trash that wasted our value on the wrong person once upon a time. Many of those lists would have people view us all as such.

Call it what you will but I had to say it.