Explanations and Thank Yous ^_^

I've been meaning to post this for some time but one might wonder why I named one of my paintings "Wishful Thinking"

Well to be completely honest, I had experienced a bit of a disappointment in the relationship corner of my life and needed some paint and music therapy so...I was listening to this song while I painted "King of Wishful Thinking" by Go West (also the cover of it by New Found Glory). It's a song that just always puts me in a good mood, perhaps for nostalgic reasons and perhaps for the fact it's in one of my favorite "chick flicks" lol: Pretty Woman.

Another reason for me is that, when I separate from someone, a lot of the words in the song ring rather true. You can see the lyrics here.

Also, I happened to hear it on the radio this morning, which made me think back on that painting and the emotion that went into it.


This last situation taught me a lesson about forgiveness, letting go, and no longer allowing my emotions to run on auto pilot. It also helped me to discover that I was still carrying with me some very negative emotions from past failures and relationships, namely my relationship with my father which isn't exactly the best one, and my marriage.

As I have come to forgive them, as well as forgiving myself for the part I played in both scenarios, I got involved in yet another relationship knowing that I was not truly ready. I should have been honest about how I didn't feel I was ready but I was scared, and who knows why I was.

But the first step is admitting there's a problem the next part is assessing what to do next to fix the problem.

So I did what I normally do, I retreated, I painted, I wrote, I read a couple of books, I asked, I listened, and I assessed and analyzed.

I came out with, of course I should have been honest, and while it would be nice to have a chance to change that outcome or fix it, that requires two people to agree to do so. Since this person completely cut me out of their life, that wasn't an option so, the only option I had was simply to work on the relationship I had with myself.

Let's just say, me, myself, and I after all this work and introspection are finally in a good place after 26 (now almost 27 years of working at it). It's been as if a door has opened and this huge blinding light washed over me. It cleansed me of all my past negative thoughts of self-doubt and being unworthy of people's love and effort. I closed the door behind me and left the past in the past.


Now while this personal growth comes from within, I would still like to make right a situation I caused to be so negative due to my fear and actions as a result of that fear. I used to never believe in second chances to fix things, but now I'm beginning to believe in them. I have managed to heal most of the negative relationships I've ever had, even if that means that they are now only friendships. I have even healed my relationships with people who have been complete and utter jerks to me.

The other part is that I love to thank people for what they bring into my life, be it happy memories, or a lesson I was supposed to learn. This last relationship taught me to just be in the present and enjoy every second of every moment shared with another, don't give energy to the What If's just be in the present. Be thankful for your blessings, and show that you are thankful for those blessings.

So even though this person won't talk to me now, perhaps someday they will and I can, if nothing else, say thank you for what they brought to my life.

I have otherwise let go, and even though I still care for this person, life has to keep moving forward. Perhaps, our paths will cross again but if not at least here and now, forever on the internet and on some server God knows where, I have said it. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.

On a finishing note, I am also going to post a link to one of my favorite Billie Holiday songs of all time "I'll Be Seeing You".

Thank you for reading. :)