The part that stood out was "Don't be a people pleaser".
I find that I am an addict, of sorts, to trying to please everyone else in a group at the expense of making myself miserable in the process. I want everyone to be happy so I sacrifice what makes me happy and have in some way convinced myself I am happy so long as everyone around me is happy.
It also stood out to me because I am constantly told by several people to stop saying "sorry" all the time. It's true I do say it too often. Or...at least I used to.
I used to be the person who would say sorry first in any argument just so I could get around conflict that much sooner. At what cost? Who's to say, in some cases it cost my dignity but I learned a thing or two.
I realized the other day I still have a long way to go when I was apologizing for oversleeping to my friend because it resulted in us missing church and she told me to "stop apologizing".
I can't help it. I suppose its a habit I picked up from being raised by my mother, if I didn't apologize, even in circumstances when I felt I was in the right, she would punish me in some fashion, usually in a psychological way. She still does it on occasion, I've even been called a selfish b**ch here and there, but that's not going to change anyways so why fret about it.
And yet for as much as I say the word sorry, including in some trivial cases where it's really not necessary, I have the hardest time accepting that word from myself.
I accept almost every apology ever given no matter how great the crime so long as the apology is sincere, but for some reason or another, perhaps something deeply seeded in my subconscious, I cannot seem to forgive myself.
It is, however, something I am slowly learning to do. I am also slowly learning how to not accept everyone's apology. Words are only words if they are not backed by a person's actions. Show me you are sorry by being better don't give me lip service. Regardless of accepting apologies at face value, I have still always been very adamant about action being the preferred way for someone to communicate their intent. MAKE A DAMN EFFORT for people you care about.
And so, I leave you with this quoted poem from the choreopoem "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf".
One Thing I Don’t Need
By Ntozake Shange (en-toh-zah-kay shang-ay)
"one thing i dont need is any more apologies
i got sorry greetin me at my front door
you can keep yrs
i dont know what to do wit em
they dont open doors or bring the sun back
they dont make me happy
or get a mornin paper
didnt nobody stop usin my tears to wash cars cuz a sorry
i am simply tired of collectin
i didnt know i was so important to you’
i’m gonna haveta throw some away
i cant get to the clothes in my closet for alla sorries
i’m gonna tack a sign to my door
leave a message by the phone
‘if you called to say yr sorry call somebody else i dont use em anymore’
i let sorry/didnt meanta/& how cd i know abt that
take a walk down a dark & musty street in brooklyn
i’m gonna do exactly what i want to
& i wont be sorry for none of it
letta sorry soothe yr soul i’m gonna soothe mine
you were always inconsistent doin somethin
& then bein sorry
beatin my heart to death
talkin bout you sorry
well i will not call
i’m not goin to be nice
i will raise my voice & scream & holler & break things
& race the engine & tell all yr secrets bout yrself to yr face
& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers & their ways
i will play oliver lake loud
& i wont be sorry for none of it
i loved you on purpose
i was open on purpose
i still crave vulnerability & close talk
& i’m not even sorry bout you bein sorry
you can carry all the guilt & grime ya wanna
just dont give it to me
i cant use another sorry
next time you should admit you’re mean/low-down/triflin/& no count straight out
steada bein sorry alla the time enjoy bein yrself"
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